Bachelor

Once upon a time I wrote about my thoughts on the (current) cast of The Bachelor, but unfortunately I had to edit a lot of it because it wasn't very nice. So now I am going to post my original article, while you can look at the one they posted to Oh My Disney. Enjoy!


Sure, your mother told you to never judge a book by its cover, but this is The Bachelor, and once those contestant photo/bios come out, everyone is fair game.

This season we’ve got some great professions, including a doula (someone who assists women during childbirth), a food truck owner, and an aspiring dolphin trainer. Speaking of dolphins, it should be noted that five of Nick’s ladies would choose to be dolphins if they could be any animal—or, succinctly, to quote one of my colleagues, “FIVE OF THEM WANT TO BE DOLPHINS.” Anyway, here are my final four predictions, as well as other contestants of note. I’ve provided a bio, and archetype or superlative each, which I’m just basing off their photo and short bio on The Bachelor's website.

Final Four Picks

The alpha female: Corrine, 24.

As a business owner at such a young age, Corinne seems like she’ll be very competitive. I guarantee we get gratuitous shots of her without makeup at 6 am saying things like, “I really think Nick wants someone who’s got her stuff together, ya know?" to the nearest girl.

The old soul: Taylor, 23.

Taylor is definitely wise beyond her years, which is good because Nick is closer to 40 than he is 30, however some would argue that his personality is the other way around, but I digress. Taylor also seems like she’s the kind of person who enjoys cowl neck sweaters as much as ironic trucker hats, which means she’s open, adaptable, and honest. JK I don’t know what that means—I can just envision her wearing both cowl necks and trucker hats.

The dark horse: Sarah, 26.

Sarah has two Nicholas Sparks references in her bio, and she does it without actually saying “My favorite movie is anything Nicholas Sparks.” I like that, it’s kinda sneaky. Sarah is my dark horse final four prediction, and I think there’s also a very good chance she pronounces Nick’s name like “neck.”

The right one: Vanessa, 29.

Ah, finally someone within a decade of Nick’s age. Vanessa is a special education teacher who speaks three languages, which is pretty cool. She has a nice smile and an overall warm presence to her, which makes me think she’s probably genuine, patient, and has tried shrimp once.

Bachelorette Superlatives

Most likely to have the weirdest job: Alexis, 23.

There’s always one per season, and this year it’s Alexis, who aspires to be a dolphin trainer. Yes, you read that correctly—she’s not a dolphin trainer quite yet, but one day she hopes to be. There’s really nothing more that needs to be said. But seriously, Alexis probably won’t last much longer than the first cocktail party. Why? Because she has a tattoo on her left hip that reads “smile with the rising sun.”

Most likely to end up on Bachelor in ParadiseElizabeth “Liz,” 29.

Liz is a doula who listed coconut oil and fresh air as a couple of the things she can’t live without. Liz clearly loves talking about her holistic lifestyle, and probably has an Instagram account dedicated to her healthy living blog. That being said, Liz is the perfect candidate for BIP because she’s into the natural life, and she’s very pretty.

Most likely to be too good for Nick: Rachel, 31.

There’s always that one contestant who makes you think “What are you doing on this show?” Rachel is hands down that contestant. She’s an attorney who embraces aging, is not embarrassed to be a fan of Justin Bieber, and listed Jean-Michel Basquiat as her favorite artist. WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW? This woman is not only too good for Nick, she’s too good for the entire Bachelor franchise. Honestly, Rachel will probably be a top four pick because duh.

Most likely to confuse Nick by looking like Andi Dorfman: Astrid, 26.

Not a total dead ringer for our girl Andi, who was the first of the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise to break Nick’s heart, but she does look very similar.

Most likely to confuse Nick by looking like Kaitlyn Bristowe: Angela, 26.

Angela doesn’t look like she could be Kaitlyn Bristowe’s twin, but she definitely looks like she could be a sister or cousin. Side note: is it me or does Angela definitely own some jangly bracelets, and dot all her i’s with hearts? Just me? Okay.

Most likely to cry about everything: Danielle M., 31.

Danielle M. has a soft look about her that makes me think that she probably doesn’t speak above a whisper. I can see her frequently being on the verge of tears, which will prompt the other girls to pick on her, ultimately causing her self-imposed exit. The close captioning on Danielle M.’s limo exit will read, “sobbing” and “sobbing intensifies.”

Most likely to be the frontrunner up until mid-season: Brittany, 26.

At 5’2” Brittany is petite, but there’s something about her that screams “cross me and you’re dead.” She seems like the type of person Nick will be very intrigued by (“look at that unique necklace”), but ultimately he won’t pick her because she intimidates him (“she’ll strangle me with that necklace”).

Most likely to have thought she was going to be on Luke’s season: Christen, 25.

Christen seems sweet; she’s an Oklahoma gal who loves wild mustangs, Katniss Everdeen, and would choose to be a grapefruit above all other fruits and veggies. I can imagine her being into Luke’s war veteran past and that great head of hair of his.

Most likely to not be here to make friends: Josephine, 24.

Josephine probably looks better in person than she does in photographs.

Most likely to have an intro video of her laughing with a beach ball: Raven, 25.

Raven is the kind of girl who has a blonde best friend that she refers to as “Gigi,” which means Raven refers to herself as “Kendall.” My prediction is that Nick will enjoy touching her hair until about week 8.

Personally, I am not a Nick fan (#JUSTICE4WELLS), but I know many people who are, including these ladies. Let us know in the comments which of Nick’s contestants you think will win it all.

MISC. PREDICTIONS THAT I KNOW WON’T BE ALLOWED ON OMD

Most likely to be a secret adult film star: Hailey, 23.

Hailey.jpg

Hailey is a little dead behind the eyes, and it's not because she has been jaded by immature boys, it's because she's been in the adult entertainment industry for the past 18 months.

Most likely to be delusional about everything: Danielle L., 27.

In her contestant bio, Danielle L. states that she would be Olivia Pope if she could be any fictional character, and refers to the Scandal character as “Gladiators in suits.” Danielle L., that is not a thing. Nick will be attracted to her because she’s very pretty, but her trite personality will turn him off.

Most likely to be that girl you hated in high school: Briana, 28.

Briana is that one girl from your high school who called herself an overachiever, even though she really wasn’t. Sorry, Briana, but playing the flute and earning straight A’s in history and science does not qualify you as an overachiever.

Most likely to have lived a sheltered life: Elizabeth, 24.

Elizabeth went on the internet once when she was 13, and she hasn’t been back since.