One of my favorite things about The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is the number of absurd ways to say "unemployed." We've seen everything from pantsapreneur (I have no idea), to free spirit (she liked to get naked a lot), and dog lover (there are no words, just inaudible jealous mumblings). INSERT "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED" GIF HERE, AM I RIGHT?!
But seriously, bless whoever helps these people come up with incredible titles, such as:
Tony the Healer (who also had anger issues)
Emily the Twin (her sister was also on the show, and to no one's surprise was also "employed" as a twin)
Kelly the Dog Lover (I TOLD YOU ALL SHE WAS REAL)
What I also love is that there are some occupations that are clearly more Bach/Bachelorette inclined, such as "teacher" and "dentist," and especially "personal trainer" for male contestants. In Kaitlyn's season alone, there was personal trainer Shawn B., fitness trainer Justin, and fitness coach Ben Z. That's a lot of different ways to say "guy who picks up the used towels at the Crunch Gym in West Hollywood." Seriously, what a time to be alive.
Anyway, ABC has just released the photos of the contestants, which means that you, dear reader (hi, mom), will now be treated to my guesses as to each contestant's name (and some biographical info) based solely on their profile picture and name. Enjoy.
Alex: Dental Assistant.
Ali: Aladdin on Broadway. Ali is also racially ambiguous, which could work out well for him, as we've seen with contestants in the past. He could be Italian, or maybe Greek, or half Indian, or even Iranian, of which JoJo is half (her mother is Iranian).
Brandon: Ringtone Maker by day, guitarist by night. There's something about his hair, the visible necklace, and his name that really gives me a "I live in Nashville and I play on a vintage Gibson" vibe. On a related note, Brandon also looks like Michael Fassbender's illegitimate younger brother who their parents hid in the attic for 18 years.
Chad: Executive Recruiter. I predict Chad will go pretty far.
Chase: Soybean Specialist.
Christian (token black guy #1): Former Professional Soccer Player.
Coley: Financial Consultant. This is going to sound mean, but he kind of looks like his mother might have been infected with the Zika virus when she was pregnant. It looks like his head wasn't properly formed.
Derek: Cell Phone Retailer. Derek played baseball in college at ASU or some school in Arizona.
Evan: Pick-up Artist. Evan is definitely from Las Vegas, and probably claims to be a Buddhist.
Grant (token black guy #2): Male Cheerleader. He's posing with a "you better lose 25 pounds before you expect me to lift you" look.
Jake (token black guy #3): Mime. He's got a face made for expression. I can also see Jake claiming that he's John Boyega's American cousin.
James F: Vampire.
James S: Carrot Farmer. That skin tone, though!
James Taylor: Eighth Grade English Teacher. He probably hates James Taylor, and goes through a similar situation as the guy from Office Space who was named Michael Bolton, but in this case James Taylor the musician doesn't suck—it's James Taylor, bachelorette contestant, who does.
Jonathan: Katy Perry Superfan. He'll probably start singing "Firework" when he meets JoJo, and she will not be into it.
Jordan: Pen Salesman. Really forgettable.
Luke: Hairstylist. He obviously knows how to pose for a camera, so he's also an aspiring model. All I have to say is, WERK, KWEEN!
Nick B: Drew Carey Impersonator.
Nick S: Owner of a Non-Profit Brewery that provides a child with a year's worth of education with every six-pack sold. Definitely a trust-funder, probably went to Vanderbilt, and that weird ascot-bandana he's wearing looks like it was given to him by a Tibetan monk as a thank you for providing an ancient monastery with running water.
Peter: Food Truck Owner.
Robby: Fitness Consultant. Robby looks like he could fly into a rage at any given moment.
Sal: Workout Specialist. Sal is originally from Canada, but now lives in Grand Junction.
Vinny: Gym Rat/Reddit Contributor. Vinny is a mama's boy from the Jersey Shore, and he's probably family friends with Vinny Guadagnino.
Wells: Social Media Expert.
Will: Youth Minister. Definitely still wears Livestrong bracelets, and he's probably really into contemporary gospel rock. Will seems like the kind of guy who will sprinkle in "so blessed" every few sentences.